*Whine alert* *Whine alert* *Whine alert*
I'm not very good at waiting.
I am good at cooking, patchwork, bird-keeping, poetry, making up rude lyrics for songs, board games (don't play me at monopoly), reading books, shopping on a budget, writing novels (I think), making bread and reading tarot cards.
I'm terrible at waiting. (I'm also terrible at Suduko, dancing, knitting, horseriding, drawing, foreign languages, maths, playing piano and sports quizzes, among other things.)
I want to be one of those people who airily says, 'Oh, has it really been fourteen weeks and five days? Goodness, I didn't notice.' Of course I would have to become one of those people who says 'Goodness', which isn't likely, frankly. Of course, the stress makes me miserable. Not depressed, thank God, or even goodness, because depression is like being chained up in a box full of pain. But something akin to it, something like I just want to stay in bed and come out when it's over.
Isn't that pathetic? I had the nearly the best news a novelist could ever have: 'someone is going to offer for your book' ('they have done so' slightly eclipses it) and I'm sitting here whingeing. What I should be is productive, but even here I'm struggling to do my 1000 words a day. More like half that, and I'm not sure they're any good. People seem to be waiting a lot in my books at the moment. They are miserable, and it's raining. There is no chocolate.
Deep down, I find it hard to believe the good news. I mean, it hasn't happened yet, so it isn't real. My world is full of made up, for goodness sake (and again) I write fiction. The one anchor in all this, is my lovely agent. She is real, in fact her voice down the phone is so real it's sort of anchoring me in the place where I get a book deal. So I'm still planning my Oscar speech. (I would like to thank Earl Grey, whoever he is, without which I would never have finished a book...)
I am trying to wait quietly, without emailing my agent every four minutes 'Are we there yet?' because she would phone if we were. I'm trying to see the joy in the rest of my life. But I can't get past it. I WANT MY GOOD NEWS!