I feel like an upstart, like I'm going to get found out at any moment. Upstart means suddenly thrust into a position of power or wealth from a humble position. I can't say I have any wealth, but suddenly I seem to have acquired some credibility with an agent etc. None of it seems real. Having spoken with my agent, I am sat surrounded by edits (mostly small) to do in a sensible, business-like manner, but I feel so overwhelmed with it all. What, me? You want me to edit this made up manuscript that I just wrote? So I printed out the pages and pretended they weren't mine.
Actually, those small edits are still quite tricky. Imagine you built a house, from scratch, it took you ages. You are then asked to remove that brick and that hinge, add three more bricks and change the shape of that window. It doesn't sound like much, but it's massive. You end up having to rebuild half the walls because if you take a brick out, there will be a hole, and maybe the bricks above it won't be supported. It isn't easy to turn around and say: 'I haven't done this before, I'm making it up as I go along.'
I don't feel prepared. I'm not a published author. I'm just finding my way, and I'm sure if I ever get a book deal I'll gradually get better at it all. After, say, a couple of decades. In the meantime, I feel a bit out of place.